How to Take Coaching Without Getting Defensive

# How to Take Coaching Without Getting Defensive

Coach says:

**“You're not communicating enough.”**

And before Coach finishes the sentence, your brain already has an answer.

*"But I was talking."*

Coach says:

**“Your effort wasn't good enough on that play.”**

Your brain responds:

*"But I thought the ball was going out."*

Coach says:

**“You need to get there earlier.”**

You think:

*"But the set was too tight."*

Maybe your explanation is completely true.

That's not always the point.

Because if your first response to feedback is always explaining why something happened...

You may never get around to learning from what happened.

One of the most important skills a young athlete can develop is the ability to hear something uncomfortable without immediately needing to defend themselves.

That's emotional intelligence.

And it's part of being coachable.

---

# Defensiveness Is Normal

Let's start here.

Nobody enjoys feeling like they did something wrong.

When someone corrects you, your brain may immediately want to protect you.

Explain.

Justify.

Blame.

Compare.

Argue.

Withdraw.

That's a normal human response.

The goal isn't to pretend you never feel defensive.

The goal is learning:

I CAN FEEL DEFENSIVE WITHOUT ACTING DEFENSIVE.

There's a difference.

Your first emotion may happen automatically.

Your response doesn't have to.

---

# Find the Space Between Feeling and Responding

This may be one of the most important ideas in this entire series.

Something happens.

You feel something.

Then you respond.

Many athletes combine those into one event.

Coach corrects me → I argue.

Teammate challenges me → I get angry.

Parent says something → I shut down.

But there's actually a space between the emotion and the response.

It may only last a second.

You can train yourself to use it.

EVENT → EMOTION → PAUSE → CHOICE → RESPONSE

That pause gives you something incredibly valuable:

**A choice.**

---

# Learn Your Defensive Signals

Defensiveness doesn't always sound like an argument.

Sometimes your body says it first.

Do you:

Cross your arms?

Roll your eyes?

Look away?

Drop your shoulders?

Shake your head?

Sigh?

Turn your back?

Stop talking?

Walk away?

Start crying?

Become sarcastic?

Say:

*"I know."*

or:

*"But..."*

Those are signals.

You need to learn yours.

Because you can't manage a response you don't recognize.

---

# Watch for the Word “But”

Here's a simple exercise.

For one week, notice how often your response to coaching begins with:

“BUT...”

*"But I was trying to..."*

*"But she didn't..."*

*"But Coach told me..."*

*"But the ball..."*

*"But I thought..."*

Again, sometimes those explanations contain important information.

But try removing the word **but** temporarily.

Instead of:

*"But I thought the hitter was going line."*

Try:

**“I thought the hitter was going line. What should I have been reading?”**

See the difference?

The first response protects your decision.

The second investigates it.

---

# Explanation and Excuse Are Not the Same Thing

This is an important distinction.

Sometimes coaches need information.

Maybe you genuinely saw something different.

Maybe there was confusion about an assignment.

Maybe another instruction created the decision.

Explaining isn't automatically bad.

The problem is **when** and **why** you're explaining.

Ask yourself:

“Am I giving information—or am I trying to prove I wasn't wrong?”

That's a difficult question.

But learn to answer it honestly.

---

# Try Understanding Before Explaining

Create this rule:

UNDERSTAND FIRST. EXPLAIN SECOND.

Coach says:

**“You were too deep defensively.”**

Instead of immediately explaining why...

Ask:

**“Where would you like me starting?”**

Now you understand the correction.

If context still matters, you can say:

**“Got it. I was reading the hitter differently there. What should I have been looking for?”**

Now you're having a volleyball conversation.

Not an argument.

---

# Stop Treating Every Correction Like a Court Case

You don't need to prove your innocence after every mistake.

Volleyball isn't a courtroom.

Nobody needs closing arguments.

Sometimes you simply made the wrong decision.

That's okay.

Say:

**“Got it.”**

Then fix it.

You don't lose anything by admitting:

**“I was wrong there.”**

In fact, you may gain something much more important.

Trust.

---

# Saying “I Was Wrong” Is a Strength

This is difficult for adults too.

Try saying:

**“You're right.”**

**“I misunderstood.”**

**“That was on me.”**

**“I need to do that better.”**

**“I didn't see that.”**

Those aren't weak statements.

They show enough confidence to admit that you aren't perfect.

An insecure athlete may need to prove they're right all the time.

A growing athlete can say:

**“I got that wrong. Teach me.”**

---

# Don't Turn Feedback Into a Debate About Fairness

Coach corrects you.

Immediately you think:

*"Why aren't they correcting her?"*

We talked about this in the last lesson, but defensiveness often hides behind comparison.

If someone else made the same mistake, that doesn't make your mistake disappear.

You can spend the next five minutes proving someone else deserves correction too...

Or use those five minutes to improve yourself.

Ask:

“Is the feedback useful to me?”

If yes, use it.

---

# Your Parents Can't Defend You From Growth

Sometimes defensiveness continues after practice.

You get into the car and explain everything Coach did wrong.

Maybe your parents immediately agree.

*"Coach shouldn't have said that."*

*"You weren't the problem."*

*"I saw other players doing it too."*

That may make you feel better.

But be careful.

If every uncomfortable coaching moment is immediately explained away...

You may lose the lesson.

Your parents should absolutely support you.

But support and protection from all discomfort are not the same thing.

Sometimes the most helpful question after practice is:

**“Was there anything useful in what Coach told you?”**

---

# Feedback Can Hurt and Still Be Useful

Maybe Coach tells you:

**“Your effort has been inconsistent.”**

That hurts.

Maybe:

**“You're not ready for that level yet.”**

That really hurts.

Maybe:

**“Your body language is hurting the team.”**

You may be embarrassed.

Don't confuse:

“I DON'T LIKE HEARING THIS”

with:

“THIS ISN'T TRUE.”

Sometimes the feedback that produces the strongest emotional reaction deserves the most reflection.

---

# Ask Yourself Why It Bothered You

When feedback really bothers you, don't immediately run from the feeling.

Investigate it.

Ask:

**“Why did that upset me?”**

Maybe you think the coach misunderstood you.

Maybe you're embarrassed.

Maybe you already knew it was a weakness.

Maybe you're afraid other people noticed too.

Maybe the feedback challenged the way you see yourself.

That's useful information.

Your reaction may be telling you something.

---

# You Can Disagree Without Becoming Defensive

Coachability does not mean agreeing with everything.

There will be times when you genuinely disagree.

That's okay.

But disagreement can still be respectful.

Instead of:

*"That's not what happened."*

Try:

**“Can I explain what I saw on that play?”**

Instead of:

*"You're wrong."*

Try:

**“I thought I was reading something different. Can we look at it?”**

Instead of arguing during a drill:

**“Can we talk about that after practice?”**

You can advocate for yourself without turning every disagreement into conflict.

That's maturity.

---

# Timing Matters

Not every conversation belongs in the middle of practice.

You're frustrated.

Coach is coaching.

Your teammates are waiting.

This may not be the time for a five-minute discussion.

Sometimes the mature response is:

**“Got it.”**

Then later:

**“Coach, can I ask you about that correction from practice?”**

Good communication isn't only knowing what to say.

It's knowing **when** to say it.

---

# Don't Shut Down Either

Defensiveness doesn't always become an argument.

Some athletes disappear.

They stop talking.

Stop making eye contact.

Stop asking questions.

They become emotionally unavailable.

That's another form of protection.

You're essentially saying:

**“If I disconnect, nobody can make me feel worse.”**

But now coaching can't reach you.

When you feel yourself shutting down, return to something simple:

**Look. Listen. Breathe. Ask one question. Take the next rep.**

Stay in the conversation.

---

# Emotional Control Doesn't Mean Being Emotionless

I don't want athletes believing mental toughness means feeling nothing.

You're allowed to feel:

Frustrated.

Embarrassed.

Angry.

Disappointed.

Confused.

The skill is learning not to let every emotion immediately become behavior.

You can think:

*"I really don't like this feedback."*

And still say:

**“Can you explain what you want me to change?”**

That's emotional maturity.

---

# Feedback Is Data

Try changing the way you think about coaching.

Instead of hearing feedback as a verdict...

Treat it as data.

Coach says your transition is slow.

Data.

Coach says your body language changes.

Data.

Coach says you're not communicating.

Data.

Now investigate.

Is it accurate?

When does it happen?

What causes it?

What can you change?

Feedback becomes much less threatening when you stop treating every observation as a statement about your worth.

---

# The Goal Isn't to Win the Conversation

Sometimes athletes successfully argue their point.

Coach finally says:

*"Fine."*

You feel like you won.

But did you?

If you defended yourself so effectively that you learned nothing...

What exactly did you win?

The goal of a coaching conversation isn't to defeat your coach in an argument.

The goal is:

LEAVE THE CONVERSATION BETTER INFORMED THAN YOU ENTERED IT.

That's winning.

---

# From the Sideline

I've had athletes explain mistakes before I could even finish the correction.

Sometimes I already understood exactly why the mistake happened.

I wasn't looking for an explanation.

I was trying to help them solve it.

The athletes who grew the most eventually learned something:

They didn't have to protect themselves from me.

They could simply say:

**“Okay. What do you want me to do differently?”**

Now we could work.

And I've always respected athletes who could come back later and say:

**“Coach, I didn't agree with that. Can we talk about it?”**

That's different from arguing.

That's communication.

I don't need players who blindly agree with everything I say.

I want players who can listen, think, communicate, and grow.

---

# CoachMikeDZ's Advice

One of the strongest sentences you can learn is:

“I MIGHT BE WRONG.”

Not:

*"I'm always wrong."*

Not:

*"Coach is always right."*

Just:

**“I might be wrong.”**

That sentence keeps your mind open.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe Coach is right.

Maybe both of you are seeing different pieces of the same situation.

But if your first goal is protecting yourself...

You'll never find out.

Take the armor off for a minute.

Listen.

Ask.

Think.

Then respond.

You don't lose strength when you admit you might have something to learn.

**That's where strength begins.**

---

# YOUR CHALLENGE

For your next three practices, you're going to track one thing:

YOUR FIRST RESPONSE TO FEEDBACK

Every time you receive meaningful coaching, notice your immediate instinct.

Was it:

**EXPLAIN**

**BLAME**

**COMPARE**

**ARGUE**

**SHUT DOWN**

or:

**LEARN**

Don't judge yourself.

Just notice.

Then use this response:

PAUSE → BREATHE → ASK

PAUSE

Don't immediately respond.

BREATHE

One controlled breath.

ASK

Choose one:

**“What do you want me to change?”**

**“Can you show me?”**

**“What should I be reading?”**

**“Can you watch my next one?”**

After practice, write down one difficult piece of feedback.

WHAT WAS SAID?

________________________

WHAT DID I IMMEDIATELY FEEL?

________________________

WHAT DID I WANT TO SAY?

________________________

WHAT DID I ACTUALLY SAY?

________________________

WHAT INFORMATION WAS USEFUL?

________________________

WHAT WILL I CHANGE?

________________________

Your goal isn't to become an athlete who never feels defensive.

Your goal is to become an athlete whose defensiveness **doesn't stop the learning.**

---

# Key Takeaways

• Feeling defensive is normal; acting defensively is a choice you can learn to manage.
• Create space between emotion and response.
• Learn your physical and verbal defensive signals.
• Pay attention to how often your response begins with “but.”
• Understand feedback before explaining your perspective.
• Explanations provide information; excuses protect us from responsibility.
• Admitting you were wrong can build trust.
• Feedback can hurt and still contain something useful.
• You can respectfully disagree without becoming argumentative.
• Timing matters when discussing disagreements.
• Shutting down can be another form of defensiveness.
• Emotional control doesn't require becoming emotionless.
• Treat feedback as data rather than a verdict on your worth.
• The goal isn't winning the conversation. It's leaving with information that can make you better.

---

# NEXT: YOUR COACH DOESN'T HAVE TO SAY IT THE WAY YOU WANT TO HEAR IT

You've learned to recognize defensiveness and create space before responding.

Now we're going into a harder situation.

Because sometimes the problem isn't **what** your coach said.

It's how they said it.

Maybe they're louder than you prefer.

Maybe they're extremely direct.

Maybe they don't explain things the way your previous coach did.

Maybe their personality doesn't match yours.

That creates an important challenge:

Can you learn from someone who doesn't communicate exactly the way you prefer?

That's where we're going next.

# Your Coach Doesn't Have to Say It the Way You Want to Hear It

Because becoming coachable doesn't mean every coach gets a free pass for poor behavior.

But it does mean learning how to extract useful information from different coaching styles—and knowing the difference between **being uncomfortable** and **being treated inappropriately.**