Your Athlete Lost Her Starting Spot—Now What?

# Your Athlete Lost Her Starting Spot—Now What?

She was starting.

Maybe for weeks.

Maybe for months.

Maybe she thought the position was finally hers.

Then one tournament, another player starts.

Your daughter waits on the sideline.

The next set comes.

She's still there.

Eventually she gets into the car and says:

**"I lost my spot."**

As a parent, this can be painful to watch.

You may be confused.

You may disagree with the decision.

You may believe your daughter is the better player.

And your first instinct may be to figure out:

WHY DID THE COACH DO THIS?

But before the family turns the situation into an investigation, there may be a more valuable question:

WHAT IS YOUR ATHLETE GOING TO DO NEXT?

Because losing a starting position is disappointing.

But it can also become one of the most valuable competitive experiences an athlete has.

---

# STARTING IS NOT OWNERSHIP

One of the first things athletes need to understand about competitive sports is:

A STARTING POSITION ISN'T PROPERTY.

You don't permanently own it because you started last weekend.

Or last month.

Or last season.

Roles can change.

Performance changes.

Matchups change.

Teams change.

Players improve.

Coaches make adjustments.

Sometimes another athlete simply earns an opportunity.

That doesn't mean your daughter's previous work didn't matter.

It means competition continues.

---

# LET HER BE DISAPPOINTED

Don't immediately try to make the feeling disappear.

She may be:

• Angry
• Embarrassed
• Confused
• Hurt
• Frustrated
• Worried

That's okay.

Losing something you valued should bother you.

You don't need to immediately say:

**"It doesn't matter."**

Because to her, it probably does.

Instead:

"I know that hurts."

Then listen.

Supporting an athlete doesn't require pretending disappointment isn't real.

---

# DON'T TURN THE OTHER PLAYER INTO THE ENEMY

This is one of the biggest traps.

Your daughter loses her position.

Another player gets it.

Suddenly every mistake that player makes becomes evidence.

**"SEE? SHE SHANKED THAT BALL."**

**"YOU WOULD HAVE MADE THAT PLAY."**

**"I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE COACH SEES IN HER."**

Be careful.

The other athlete didn't do anything wrong by earning an opportunity.

She is someone's daughter too.

She has probably worked hard too.

Your athlete can want her position back without needing the other player to fail.

COMPETE WITH HER. DON'T RESENT HER.

That's a much healthier lesson.

---

# DON'T KEEP SCORE OF THE OTHER PLAYER'S MISTAKES

Once parents believe their athlete should be playing, it becomes very easy to start evaluating the replacement.

She misses a serve.

Mental note.

She gets blocked.

Mental note.

She shanks a pass.

Mental note.

Meanwhile, every good play your daughter makes becomes another piece of evidence.

Soon you're not watching the team anymore.

You're building a case.

That can consume an entire season.

And eventually your athlete may begin doing the same thing.

Instead of preparing herself to compete:

SHE STARTS WAITING FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO FAIL.

That's not where we want her attention.

---

# FIND OUT WHAT CHANGED

After the emotion settles, the athlete needs information.

Not assumptions.

Not parent theories.

Information.

Encourage her to ask the coach.

Something as simple as:

**"Coach, I noticed my role changed. Can you help me understand what I need to improve to compete for that position?"**

That question accomplishes several things.

It acknowledges the situation.

It avoids attacking the coach.

It doesn't criticize another player.

And most importantly:

IT CREATES A PATH FORWARD.

---

# THE ANSWER MAY BE SOMETHING SHE CAN FIX

Maybe the coach says:

**"Your serve receive hasn't been consistent."**

Or:

**"We need more blocking in this rotation."**

Or:

**"Your communication has dropped."**

Or:

**"She's defending better right now."**

Now your athlete has information.

Instead of:

"COACH DOESN'T LIKE ME."

she has:

"HERE'S WHAT I NEED TO WORK ON."

That's a much more productive place to live.

---

# SOMETIMES THE ANSWER MAY BE ABOUT THE TEAM

Not every lineup decision is a ranking of who is the "better volleyball player."

Coaches may consider:

• Matchups
• Rotations
• Blocking
• Serve receive
• Defense
• Chemistry
• Serving
• Substitution patterns
• Opponent strengths
• Team needs

Your daughter may be playing well and still have her role change.

That's part of team sports.

Learning to understand:

"THIS DECISION ISN'T NECESSARILY A VERDICT ON ME"

can help athletes handle changing roles more maturely.

---

# DON'T PROMISE HER THE COACH IS WRONG

Parents want to comfort their children.

So we say:

**"You're obviously better."**

**"Coach doesn't know what she's doing."**

**"You'll be starting again next week."**

But what if she doesn't?

Now the athlete is stuck between what the coach is telling her and what her parents are telling her.

You can support her without pretending you know exactly what will happen.

Try:

"LET'S FOCUS ON WHAT YOU CAN DO NEXT."

---

# WATCH WHAT SHE DOES AT PRACTICE

This is where losing a position reveals something.

Does she:

• Compete harder?
• Ask questions?
• Stay engaged?
• Encourage teammates?
• Improve?
• Become more focused?

Or does she:

• Shut down?
• Stop communicating?
• Give poor effort?
• Roll her eyes?
• Distance herself from teammates?
• Wait for the starter to fail?

Coaches notice both.

Sometimes the response to losing a role determines whether an athlete earns another opportunity.

---

# THE BENCH IS STILL PART OF THE TEAM

Athletes sometimes think:

**"If I'm not playing, I don't matter."**

That's dangerous.

A player on the sideline can still:

• Communicate
• Encourage
• Study the opponent
• Track tendencies
• Celebrate teammates
• Stay mentally prepared
• Bring energy
• Be ready when called

You never know when the opportunity will return.

A teammate gets tired.

A matchup changes.

Someone struggles.

The coach needs a different look.

Your athlete gets called.

Is she ready?

---

# DON'T LET BAD BODY LANGUAGE ANSWER FOR HER

Imagine the coach looks down the bench considering a substitution.

One athlete is:

Standing.

Engaged.

Communicating.

Watching the game.

Ready.

Another is:

Slouched.

Frustrated.

Disconnected.

Clearly angry about not playing.

Which athlete looks prepared to enter?

Body language communicates.

Even when the athlete believes nobody is watching.

---

# THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WANTING THE POSITION AND FEELING ENTITLED TO IT

Athletes should want to start.

They should want more responsibility.

They should compete for opportunities.

There's nothing wrong with ambition.

But:

"I WANT THAT POSITION"

is different from:

"THAT POSITION BELONGS TO ME."

The first creates competition.

The second creates resentment.

Competitive athletes understand that opportunities must continually be earned.

---

# WHAT IF YOUR DAUGHTER REALLY IS THE BETTER PLAYER?

Maybe she is.

Parents aren't automatically wrong simply because they're parents.

Maybe you genuinely believe the lineup decision doesn't make sense.

That's possible.

But even then, the developmental question remains:

WHAT CAN YOUR ATHLETE CONTROL?

She can control:

• Preparation
• Effort
• Communication
• Attitude
• Training
• Response to coaching
• Teammate behavior
• Competitive intensity

She cannot directly control:

• The lineup
• The coach's opinion
• Another player's performance

Teach her to invest energy where she has influence.

---

# DON'T IMMEDIATELY ADD MORE TRAINING

This happens often.

Athlete loses starting spot.

Within 24 hours:

Private lesson.

Extra trainer.

Another clinic.

Another workout.

Sometimes additional training is useful.

But first understand the problem.

If the coach says the issue is communication and competitive consistency, another technical lesson may not solve it.

Before spending more money:

IDENTIFY WHAT ACTUALLY NEEDS TO DEVELOP.

---

# DON'T THREATEN TO LEAVE THE TEAM

Another common emotional response is:

**"If they're not going to play you, we'll go somewhere else."**

Maybe changing environments will eventually be appropriate.

But don't make leaving the automatic response to competition.

If athletes learn:

"WHEN SOMEONE TAKES MY POSITION, I LEAVE"

they lose an opportunity to learn how to compete for something.

Sometimes staying and fighting for a role is exactly the experience an athlete needs.

---

# THERE ARE TIMES TO EVALUATE THE ENVIRONMENT

That doesn't mean families should never question a situation.

If there is:

• No communication
• No developmental feedback
• A consistently unhealthy environment
• Repeated broken commitments
• Serious concerns about treatment

families may eventually need to evaluate whether the environment remains appropriate.

But losing a starting position by itself isn't proof that an environment is bad.

Sometimes:

COMPETITION IS JUST COMPETITION.

---

# DON'T MAKE PLAYING TIME THE ONLY MEASUREMENT OF PROGRESS

Your daughter may temporarily play less while actually becoming a better player.

Maybe the competition in her gym increased.

Maybe she's learning a new position.

Maybe she's being challenged at a higher level.

Maybe another athlete improved dramatically.

Playing time matters.

But it isn't the only measurement of development.

Ask:

**Is she improving?**

**Is she learning?**

**Is she being challenged?**

**Is she becoming more complete?**

Those questions matter too.

---

# SOMETIMES LOSING SOMETHING REVEALS HOW MUCH YOU WANT IT

It's easy to say:

**"I want to be the starter."**

It's different when the position disappears.

Now the athlete has a choice.

She can decide:

**"This isn't fair."**

Or:

"I'M GOING TO COMPETE FOR IT."

That doesn't guarantee she gets the position back.

But the response develops something important either way.

---

# WHAT IF SHE NEVER GETS THE POSITION BACK?

This is the hardest possibility.

She works.

She communicates.

She improves.

She does everything correctly.

And someone else continues starting.

Was the effort wasted?

No.

Because the purpose of development cannot be:

"I ONLY WORK HARD IF I'M GUARANTEED THE REWARD I WANT."

Sometimes athletes do everything they can and still don't receive the outcome they hoped for.

That's sports.

That's also life.

The work still belongs to her.

The improvement still belongs to her.

The character developed through the experience still belongs to her.

---

# FROM THE SIDELINE

I've coached for decades, and lineup decisions are among the most emotional parts of youth sports.

Coaches make decisions.

Players disagree.

Parents disagree.

Sometimes coaches are right.

Sometimes coaches make mistakes.

But regardless of the decision, there is an incredible developmental opportunity in what happens next.

An athlete who loses a position can learn to:

• Seek feedback
• Handle disappointment
• Compete
• Stay connected to teammates
• Improve without guarantees
• Support someone she's competing against
• Prepare for another opportunity
• Separate her role from her identity

Those are enormous lessons.

If adults immediately turn the situation into:

**"The coach is wrong and the other player shouldn't be playing,"**

we can accidentally take those lessons away.

---

# COACH MIKE DZ'S ADVICE

If your athlete loses her starting position, don't make your first mission:

GET THE POSITION BACK.

Make the first mission:

HELP HER RESPOND LIKE A COMPETITOR.

Let her be disappointed.

Then help her gather information.

What does the coach want?

What needs to improve?

What can she control?

Then compete.

Train.

Communicate.

Be a great teammate.

Stay ready.

If she earns the position back, wonderful.

If she doesn't, she still learned how to respond when something she wanted was taken away.

And someday, that lesson may matter much more than who started at outside hitter during a 15U tournament.

---

# YOUR FAMILY CHALLENGE

If your athlete loses a role or opportunity this season, don't spend the week discussing the athlete who replaced her.

Instead, answer these four questions:

1. WHAT FEEDBACK DID YOU RECEIVE?

Get information.

2. WHAT CAN YOU CONTROL?

Identify the athlete's responsibility.

3. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO WORK ON?

Create a plan.

4. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO SUPPORT YOUR TEAM WHILE YOU COMPETE FOR YOUR ROLE?

Protect the teammate.

Then add one more question:

"IF THE OPPORTUNITY CAME BACK TOMORROW, WOULD YOU BE READY?"

That's where the athlete's energy belongs.

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# KEY TAKEAWAYS

• Starting positions are opportunities, not permanent possessions.
• Let athletes experience disappointment without immediately trying to remove it.
• Don't turn the player who earned the position into an enemy.
• Avoid tracking another athlete's mistakes to prove your child should be playing.
• Encourage your athlete to seek specific feedback from the coach.
• Lineup changes may involve team needs and matchups, not simply a ranking of individual talent.
• Parents can support athletes without automatically telling them the coach is wrong.
• Coaches notice how athletes respond when their roles change.
• Players on the bench still have responsibilities to the team.
• Body language communicates readiness—or disengagement.
• Wanting a starting position is healthy; believing you're entitled to it is different.
• Even when parents disagree with a lineup decision, athletes should focus on what they can control.
• Understand the developmental need before automatically adding private training.
• Don't make leaving the team the immediate response to losing a role.
• Playing time is important, but it isn't the only measurement of development.
• Losing an opportunity can reveal how willing an athlete is to compete for it.
• Improvement still has value even when the desired outcome doesn't arrive.
• An athlete's response to losing a role may ultimately teach more than having the role in the first place.

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THE POSITION MAY BE LOST. THE OPPORTUNITY TO GROW ISN'T.

There will be moments in sports when someone else gets what your athlete wanted.

A starting position.

A roster spot.

An award.

An opportunity.

Your athlete cannot control all of those decisions.

But she can control what happens next.

She can become bitter.

Or she can become better.

She can watch the other player hoping she fails.

Or she can prepare herself for the next opportunity.

She can decide the coach took something from her.

Or she can ask:

"WHAT DO I NEED TO DO NOW?"

Someday volleyball will give her the answer she wants.

Sometimes it won't.

Teach her how to compete either way.