The Other Parents on Your Team Matter More Than You Think

# The Other Parents on Your Team Matter More Than You Think

You choose a volleyball club.

You meet the coach.

You look at the roster.

You think about the training.

The tournaments.

The level of competition.

But there's another group of people who can dramatically affect what the next six months feel like:

THE OTHER PARENTS.

Nobody puts "parent culture" on the club brochure.

But spend enough weekends in tournament gyms and you'll understand how powerful it can be.

A healthy parent group can make an entire season more enjoyable.

An unhealthy one can create tension that eventually reaches the athletes.

Because parents don't just watch team culture.

WE HELP CREATE IT.

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# EVERY TEAM HAS TWO CULTURES

There is the culture among the players.

And there is often another culture developing twenty feet away in the stands.

The parent culture.

It develops through:

• Conversations
• Group texts
• Hotel gatherings
• Carpools
• Social media
• Reactions to coaches
• Reactions to officials
• Discussions about playing time
• Opinions about other players

Sometimes the two cultures stay separate.

Sometimes they don't.

That's when problems begin.

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# NEGATIVITY SPREADS FAST IN THE BLEACHERS

It usually starts small.

One parent says:

**"I don't understand that lineup."**

Another responds:

**"Me neither."**

Then:

**"Coach always does this."**

Another parent joins.

Soon several parents are discussing:

• Who should start
• Who shouldn't play
• Which athlete is overrated
• Which coach doesn't know what they're doing
• Which family gets special treatment

Nobody officially decided to create a negative parent culture.

It simply grew.

One conversation at a time.

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# BE CAREFUL WITH THE PARKING LOT MEETING

Every sports parent knows this meeting.

Practice ends.

Parents gather outside.

Someone has a complaint.

Twenty minutes later, everyone has one.

The parking lot can become the unofficial headquarters for frustration.

Sometimes legitimate concerns need discussion.

But group frustration can also amplify problems.

One parent is upset.

Another validates it.

Another adds a story.

Another remembers something from three weeks ago.

Now something that might have required one calm conversation has become:

"EVERYONE IS UPSET."

Except maybe everyone isn't.

Be careful about allowing group emotion to replace individual judgment.

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# THE GROUP TEXT CAN BECOME DANGEROUS

Team group chats are incredibly useful.

Tournament schedules.

Uniform information.

Hotel plans.

Carpools.

Dinner reservations.

But they can also become places where frustration spreads quickly.

A sarcastic comment about the coach.

A complaint about playing time.

A criticism of tournament organization.

A comment about another athlete.

Then someone screenshots it.

Someone forwards it.

Eventually something reaches a player or coach.

A simple rule helps:

DON'T WRITE SOMETHING ABOUT A PLAYER, COACH OR FAMILY THAT YOU WOULDN'T BE COMFORTABLE SAYING TO THEM DIRECTLY.

That rule prevents a lot of problems.

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# NEVER MAKE ANOTHER CHILD THE SUBJECT OF PARENT GOSSIP

This should be a hard boundary.

Don't sit in the stands discussing why another player shouldn't be playing.

Don't analyze another child's mistakes.

Don't criticize her body.

Don't criticize her athletic ability.

Don't complain that she is taking your daughter's position.

These are kids.

They're learning.

They're competing.

They're making mistakes in public.

They deserve the same grace you would want adults to give your child.

ADVOCATE FOR YOUR ATHLETE WITHOUT TEARING DOWN SOMEONE ELSE'S.

---

# YOUR DAUGHTER MAY BE FRIENDS WITH THE PLAYER YOU'RE CRITICIZING

Parents sometimes forget this.

You get into the car and say:

**"I don't understand why Coach keeps playing her."**

Your daughter may actually like that teammate.

Now you've placed her in an uncomfortable position.

Is she supposed to agree?

Defend her friend?

Start believing the teammate doesn't deserve the position?

Adults can accidentally create tension between athletes who didn't have a problem with each other.

Don't manufacture rivalry where none existed.

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# PLAYING TIME CAN DIVIDE PARENTS QUICKLY

When everyone's child is playing, parent culture usually feels pretty good.

Then roles change.

One athlete starts.

Another sits.

One player gets six rotations.

Another gets three.

One athlete gets recognized.

Another doesn't.

Suddenly parents begin seeing the team through the lens of:

"WHAT IS MY CHILD GETTING?"

That's understandable.

We're parents.

Of course we care about our children.

But a team cannot function if every family believes the correct lineup is the one that maximizes its own child's opportunity.

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# DON'T RECRUIT OTHER PARENTS INTO YOUR CONFLICT

You're frustrated with the coach.

Before speaking with the coach, you ask:

**"Are you seeing what I'm seeing?"**

Then another parent.

Then another.

Soon you're building a coalition.

That rarely improves communication.

If you have a concern involving your athlete, follow the appropriate communication process.

Handle your family's issue.

Don't turn it into a campaign.

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# THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SUPPORT AND ALLIANCE-BUILDING

Parents should support one another.

A parent having a difficult season may need someone to listen.

That's healthy.

But support becomes something different when the goal becomes:

"LET'S ALL AGREE THE COACH IS WRONG."

Now the conversation isn't helping anyone process frustration.

It's building sides.

Once teams develop:

**Coach people.**

**Anti-coach people.**

**Starter parents.**

**Bench parents.**

the season can become exhausting.

And eventually the athletes feel it.

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# YOUR KIDS HEAR MORE THAN YOU THINK

Parents may believe conversations are private.

They're often not.

Athletes hear conversations in hotel hallways.

Restaurants.

Cars.

Gyms.

They see parents whispering.

They hear sarcasm.

They notice tension.

Then athletes begin repeating what they've heard.

**"My mom says Coach has favorites."**

**"My dad says you shouldn't be starting."**

**"My parents think we're leaving this club."**

Now adult frustration has entered the locker room.

WHAT STARTED IN THE BLEACHERS IS NOW ON THE COURT.

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# HOTEL CULTURE MATTERS TOO

Travel tournaments create unique situations.

Families spend entire weekends together.

Hotels become extensions of the team environment.

This can create incredible memories.

Team dinners.

Parents laughing together.

Athletes hanging out.

Families building friendships.

But it can also create problems.

Late-night drama.

Parent gossip.

Alcohol-fueled arguments.

Players staying up far too late.

Cliques.

Complaints about coaches.

Tournament weekends should still reflect the standards families expect from the athletes.

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# DON'T CREATE PARENT CLIQUES

Sometimes parents form groups naturally.

That's normal.

People become friends.

The problem comes when families begin feeling excluded.

The same lessons we want athletes to learn about inclusion apply to adults too.

Invite the new family.

Talk to the parent sitting alone.

Welcome the family that joined midseason.

You don't have to become best friends with everyone.

But:

A TEAM SHOULDN'T HAVE A PARENT DEPTH CHART.

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# HOW YOU TREAT OFFICIALS BECOMES PART OF THE TEAM'S REPUTATION

Tournament officials will make mistakes.

Line judges will miss calls.

Work teams are sometimes inexperienced.

Parents get frustrated.

But screaming at officials doesn't change the lesson we're trying to teach athletes about composure.

Imagine telling your daughter:

**"Control what you can control."**

Then spending the entire match yelling at the referee.

Athletes notice contradictions.

If we expect composure from them, we should model some ourselves.

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# CHEER FOR THE TEAM, NOT ONLY YOUR CHILD

Listen to yourself during a match.

Do you only become loud when your daughter touches the ball?

Try something different.

Celebrate:

• Great hustle
• Big blocks
• Tough serves
• Great defense
• Smart plays
• Teammate energy
• Someone entering off the bench and contributing

When athletes feel that parents support the entire group, the environment changes.

You're still your child's biggest supporter.

But she's part of something bigger than herself.

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# CELEBRATE OTHER CHILDREN

Another player has an incredible match.

Tell her:

**"Great job today."**

A teammate earns an award.

Celebrate her.

Someone commits to college.

Congratulate the family.

Another player earns the starting position your daughter wanted.

That one may be harder.

But your ability to celebrate another child's success teaches something powerful.

SOMEONE ELSE'S SUCCESS DOESN'T HAVE TO BECOME YOUR FAMILY'S RESENTMENT.

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# DON'T COMPETE THROUGH YOUR CHILDREN

Sometimes the athletes are competing.

Sometimes the parents are.

Whose daughter starts?

Who made the top team?

Who got ranked?

Who received an offer?

Who got invited somewhere?

Who has the better stats?

Parents can quietly turn youth volleyball into their own competition.

Your daughter's accomplishments don't raise your status.

Her struggles don't lower it.

Let the athletes own the competition.

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# PARENTS CAN DISAGREE WITHOUT CREATING DRAMA

You won't agree with every decision.

Neither will the other parents.

That's normal.

Healthy parent culture doesn't require everyone to believe:

**"Everything is perfect."**

It means adults know how to handle disagreement appropriately.

You can think:

"I DON'T AGREE WITH THAT DECISION."

without turning it into:

"EVERYONE NEEDS TO KNOW I DON'T AGREE WITH THAT DECISION."

That's maturity.

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# BE THE PARENT WHO LOWERS THE TEMPERATURE

Every team needs these parents.

Someone complains.

Instead of adding fuel:

**"Maybe there's more to it."**

Someone attacks a player.

**"Let's leave the kids out of it."**

Someone wants to confront the coach immediately after a match.

**"Maybe give it tonight."**

Someone starts criticizing officials.

You don't have to lecture anyone.

Sometimes simply refusing to participate changes the conversation.

DON'T BE THE PERSON WHO MAKES EVERY FRUSTRATION BIGGER.

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# WHAT IF THE PARENT CULTURE REALLY IS TOXIC?

Sometimes it is.

You may find yourself around:

• Constant gossip
• Player criticism
• Coach attacks
• Exclusion
• Excessive drinking
• Public confrontations
• Social media drama
• Parent-versus-parent conflict

You don't have to participate.

Set boundaries.

Remove yourself from conversations.

Don't engage in destructive group chats.

Keep your athlete away from adult drama when possible.

And if serious behavior affects athlete safety or the team environment, use appropriate club channels.

You cannot control the other parents.

You can control your participation.

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# DON'T JUDGE A FAMILY BY ONE BAD MOMENT

Parents are emotional too.

Everyone has probably said something in frustration they wish they could take back.

Give people some grace.

One bad tournament doesn't automatically make someone a terrible sports parent.

The same patience we want coaches to show our children can sometimes be extended to adults.

The goal isn't perfection.

It's awareness.

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# BUILD THE PARENT CULTURE YOU WISH YOUR CHILD HAD AROUND HER

Imagine a team where parents:

• Cheer for every player
• Welcome new families
• Avoid gossip
• Respect coaches
• Handle concerns privately
• Treat officials appropriately
• Celebrate other athletes
• Help families who need support
• Keep adult drama away from players

Would that improve your child's experience?

Of course it would.

And every parent contributes to whether that environment exists.

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# FROM THE SIDELINE

I've spent decades in volleyball gyms.

I've seen incredible parent groups.

Families who supported one another.

Helped with transportation.

Celebrated every athlete.

Welcomed new families.

Made tournament weekends enjoyable.

Years later, some of those families are still friends.

I've also seen parent groups destroy seasons.

Not because the team was bad.

Not because the coach was terrible.

Because negativity became the culture.

Whispering.

Complaining.

Comparing.

Taking sides.

Eventually the athletes began carrying adult problems onto the court.

That's why parent culture matters.

THE PLAYERS AREN'T THE ONLY PEOPLE BUILDING THE TEAM ENVIRONMENT.

We are too.

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# COACH MIKE DZ'S ADVICE

Before joining a parent conversation about a coach, athlete or family, ask yourself:

"IF MY DAUGHTER WERE STANDING HERE, WOULD I WANT HER LEARNING FROM THE WAY I'M HANDLING THIS?"

Would you want her:

Gossiping?

Tearing down teammates?

Blaming officials?

Building alliances?

Complaining behind someone's back?

Probably not.

Then don't model it.

Instead, show her how adults can:

• Disagree respectfully
• Handle concerns directly
• Celebrate others
• Control emotions
• Support a team
• Refuse to participate in gossip

Your athlete is learning from the adults in the gym too.

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# YOUR FAMILY CHALLENGE

At your next tournament, try the:

WHOLE-TEAM CHALLENGE

Make a conscious effort to do four things:

1. CHEER FOR AT LEAST FIVE PLAYERS WHO AREN'T YOUR CHILD

Support the team.

2. COMPLIMENT ANOTHER ATHLETE

Make it genuine.

3. TALK TO A PARENT YOU DON'T NORMALLY TALK TO

Strengthen the community.

4. REFUSE ONE NEGATIVE CONVERSATION

Don't lecture.

Don't argue.

Simply don't add fuel.

Then on the drive home, ask yourself:

"DID MY BEHAVIOR MAKE THE TEAM ENVIRONMENT BETTER OR WORSE TODAY?"

That's a question worth asking all season.

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# KEY TAKEAWAYS

• Every team develops a parent culture as well as a player culture.
• Negative conversations can spread quickly through bleachers, parking lots and group texts.
• Never make another child the subject of parent gossip or criticism.
• Parents can accidentally create conflict between athletes who were previously friends.
• Playing-time frustration can divide parent groups.
• Handle concerns involving your athlete directly rather than recruiting other parents into the conflict.
• Supporting a frustrated parent is different from building an alliance against a coach.
• Adult conversations frequently find their way back to athletes.
• Hotel behavior and travel weekends are part of the team environment too.
• Avoid creating exclusive parent cliques.
• How parents treat officials models emotional control for athletes.
• Cheer for the entire team, not only your own child.
• Celebrate other athletes' accomplishments.
• Don't use your child's achievements as a competition between parents.
• Parents can disagree with decisions without creating drama.
• Be someone who lowers the emotional temperature instead of raising it.
• You don't have to participate in an unhealthy parent culture.
• Give other parents some grace when they have an imperfect moment.
• Every parent contributes to the environment surrounding the athletes.

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THE BLEACHERS ARE PART OF THE CULTURE

We spend a lot of time asking:

**What kind of teammates are our kids?**

Maybe we should occasionally ask:

"WHAT KIND OF TEAMMATES ARE THE PARENTS?"

Do we support one another?

Do we celebrate the team?

Do we protect the kids from adult drama?

Do we handle disagreement maturely?

Do we make tournament weekends better?

Because years from now, families may forget the score of most matches.

But they'll remember what it felt like to be part of the team.

HELP MAKE IT A TEAM WORTH REMEMBERING.