Teach Your Athlete to Talk to the Coach

# Teach Your Athlete to Talk to the Coach

Your daughter gets into the car after practice.

She's frustrated.

**"Coach moved me to the second team."**

Or:

**"I don't know why I'm not starting anymore."**

Or:

**"Coach keeps telling me I need to improve, but I don't know what she wants."**

Or simply:

**"I don't think Coach likes me."**

For many parents, the instinct is immediate:

"DO YOU WANT ME TO TALK TO THE COACH?"

Sometimes that may eventually be necessary.

But before you become your athlete's spokesperson, consider something else.

Maybe this is an opportunity to teach her how to speak for herself.

Because one of the most valuable things your child can learn through volleyball has nothing to do with passing, setting, serving or hitting.

SHE CAN LEARN HOW TO HAVE A DIFFICULT CONVERSATION.

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# COMMUNICATION IS A SKILL

We sometimes expect young athletes to automatically know how to talk to adults.

They don't.

Imagine being 13 years old and walking up to your coach after practice.

Your heart is pounding.

You're afraid you'll say something wrong.

You don't want the coach to think you're complaining.

You don't want to make things worse.

So instead you say nothing.

Then you get into the car and tell Mom or Dad everything.

That's understandable.

Talking to an authority figure can be intimidating.

Which is exactly why athletes need opportunities to practice it.

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# DON'T JUST SAY "GO TALK TO YOUR COACH"

That's not always enough.

If your athlete doesn't know how to have the conversation, telling her to go have it isn't really teaching her anything.

Help her prepare.

Ask:

**"What do you want to know?"**

Maybe the answer is:

**"Why I'm not playing."**

Now help her turn that frustration into a productive question.

Instead of:

**"Why aren't you playing me?"**

try:

"Coach, what do I need to improve to earn more opportunities?"

Those two questions may be about the same issue.

But they communicate completely different attitudes.

One challenges a decision.

The other seeks information.

---

# TEACH HER TO SEEK FEEDBACK

One of the healthiest habits an athlete can develop is learning to ask:

"WHAT DO I NEED TO GET BETTER AT?"

That question changes everything.

Now the conversation isn't simply about:

• Playing time
• Starting
• Team placement
• Position

It's about development.

The athlete begins looking for something she can control.

---

# THE GOAL ISN'T TO WIN THE CONVERSATION

Sometimes families approach coach communication like a courtroom argument.

They collect evidence.

Statistics.

Video clips.

Examples of another player's mistakes.

Then the athlete or parent enters the conversation trying to prove:

"THE COACH IS WRONG."

That's usually not the most productive objective.

The purpose of the conversation should be:

UNDERSTANDING.

What does the coach see?

What does the athlete see?

What are the expectations?

Where is the disconnect?

What can happen next?

Healthy communication isn't about defeating the other person.

It's about creating clarity.

---

# HELP YOUR ATHLETE ASK BETTER QUESTIONS

Compare these:

"Why don't you like me?"

with:

"What can I do to improve my role on the team?"

Compare:

"Why does she play more than me?"

with:

"What are the biggest areas I need to improve?"

Compare:

"Why did you move me?"

with:

"Can you help me understand what you're looking for from me in this position?"

Compare:

"When am I going to start?"

with:

"What would you need to see from me consistently for me to compete for that position?"

Better questions create better conversations.

---

# DON'T MAKE IT ABOUT ANOTHER PLAYER

This is an important habit to teach.

Your athlete says:

**"I'm better than her."**

Maybe she believes that.

Maybe you believe it too.

But a productive coach conversation shouldn't become:

**"Why is Sarah playing instead of me?"**

Keep the conversation focused on your athlete.

Ask:

"What can I improve?"

Not:

"What's wrong with the other player?"

Your athlete controls her own development.

She doesn't control another player's role.

---

# ROLE-PLAY THE CONVERSATION

This is one of the easiest ways parents can help.

You be the coach.

Let your athlete practice.

She says:

**"Coach, can I talk to you for a minute?"**

You respond:

**"Sure. What's going on?"**

Now let her practice explaining herself.

Help her make the question:

• Clear
• Respectful
• Specific
• Calm
• Focused on development

It may feel awkward.

That's okay.

You're practicing a skill.

---

# TEACH HER TO LISTEN TO THE ANSWER

Communication isn't only talking.

Suppose your athlete asks:

**"What do I need to improve to earn more playing time?"**

The coach responds:

**"Your serve receive needs to become more consistent."**

The athlete immediately says:

**"But my passing is better than hers!"**

The conversation just changed.

Instead, teach her to listen.

She could ask:

**"What specifically should I work on?"**

Or:

**"Is there something you're seeing in practice that I should focus on?"**

Or simply:

**"Okay. Thank you."**

Receiving feedback is part of communication too.

---

# SHE MAY NOT LIKE THE ANSWER

This is where the lesson becomes harder.

Your athlete may finally build the courage to speak with her coach.

And the answer may disappoint her.

Maybe the coach says:

**"You're not ready for that role yet."**

Or:

**"Another player is performing more consistently."**

Or:

**"You need to improve defensively."**

Having a conversation doesn't guarantee the outcome your athlete wants.

Self-advocacy means having the courage to seek clarity.

It doesn't mean the other person has to agree with you.

---

# DON'T INTERROGATE HER AFTERWARD

Your athlete finally talks to the coach.

She gets into the car.

Try not to immediately begin:

**"WHAT DID SHE SAY?"**

**"WHY DID SHE SAY THAT?"**

**"DID YOU TELL HER ABOUT LAST WEEK?"**

**"DID YOU ASK ABOUT THE OTHER PLAYER?"**

Give your athlete room to own the conversation.

Ask:

"How did it go?"

Then listen.

---

# DON'T CORRECT THE COACH'S ANSWER IMMEDIATELY

Your athlete tells you:

**"Coach said I need to communicate more."**

Your first response shouldn't automatically be:

**"That's ridiculous. You're one of the loudest players on the team."**

Maybe you disagree.

But if every piece of coach feedback is immediately invalidated at home, your athlete learns something:

FEEDBACK ONLY COUNTS WHEN WE AGREE WITH IT.

Instead ask:

**"What do you think Coach means?"**

Maybe there is something worth learning.

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# TEACH THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ADVOCACY AND ENTITLEMENT

This distinction matters.

Self-advocacy says:

"Help me understand what I can do."

Entitlement says:

"Give me what I think I deserve."

Self-advocacy seeks:

• Information
• Feedback
• Understanding
• Opportunity to improve

Entitlement demands:

• Playing time
• Positions
• Roles
• Outcomes

We want athletes who can confidently speak for themselves without believing every conversation should end with them getting what they want.

---

# WHEN SHOULD THE PARENT JOIN THE CONVERSATION?

Athlete ownership doesn't mean parents disappear.

Age matters.

Maturity matters.

The situation matters.

A 10-year-old may need considerably more help communicating than a 17-year-old.

Sometimes a good progression looks like this:

YOUNGER ATHLETE

Parent helps communicate while involving the athlete.

DEVELOPING ATHLETE

Parent helps the athlete prepare and may attend the conversation.

OLDER ATHLETE

Athlete initiates and handles appropriate volleyball conversations herself.

The responsibility gradually transfers.

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# SOMETIMES THE ATHLETE HAS ALREADY TRIED

Maybe your athlete has spoken with the coach.

She asked appropriate questions.

She tried to understand.

The communication remains unclear.

At that point, depending on the athlete's age and the issue involved, a parent conversation may be reasonable.

But notice what's different.

The parent isn't automatically taking over at the first sign of frustration.

The athlete was given an opportunity to participate in solving her own problem.

That's the development we're looking for.

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# SERIOUS CONCERNS ARE DIFFERENT

There are situations children should not be expected to navigate alone.

Concerns involving things such as:

• Athlete safety
• Abuse
• Harassment
• Sexual misconduct
• Threats
• Serious bullying
• Dangerous adult behavior

belong in a different category from ordinary volleyball communication.

Teaching athletes independence does not mean requiring them to manage serious adult problems themselves.

Parents still have a responsibility to protect their children and use appropriate reporting channels when necessary.

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# DON'T USE EMAIL TO AVOID EVERY DIFFICULT CONVERSATION

Email can be useful.

But young athletes also need experience speaking with people.

Someday they'll need to talk to:

• Teachers
• Professors
• Employers
• Coworkers
• Supervisors
• Partners
• Teammates

They won't always be able to have Mom or Dad send the message.

Volleyball gives them a place to practice while the stakes are relatively small.

That's valuable.

---

# DON'T WAIT UNTIL THERE'S A PROBLEM

Athletes can build communication skills before conflict happens.

Encourage your athlete to:

• Ask questions at practice
• Seek clarification
• Ask for feedback
• Thank coaches
• Communicate injuries appropriately
• Understand expectations
• Speak when she doesn't understand something

Then talking to the coach isn't something that only happens during a crisis.

It becomes normal.

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# COMMUNICATION BUILDS CONFIDENCE

Imagine the first time your daughter approaches a coach.

She's nervous.

She practices what she's going to say.

She walks over.

She asks the question.

They talk.

Nothing terrible happens.

She survives the uncomfortable moment.

The next conversation becomes easier.

Then another.

Eventually she begins believing:

"I CAN HANDLE THIS."

That's confidence built through experience.

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# FROM THE SIDELINE

I've spent decades coaching athletes.

And one of the things I've always wanted players to understand is:

YOU CAN TALK TO YOUR COACH.

Good coach-athlete relationships require communication.

Coaches aren't mind readers.

If an athlete is confused about:

• Her role
• Expectations
• Feedback
• Development
• Something she doesn't understand

learning how to ask about it is valuable.

But parents play an important role in making that possible.

You can either become the person who handles every difficult conversation for your athlete...

or you can become the person who teaches her how to have those conversations herself.

The second one takes more patience.

But the lesson lasts much longer.

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# COACH MIKE DZ'S ADVICE

When your athlete comes to you with a coach problem, resist immediately saying:

"I'LL HANDLE IT."

Instead say:

"LET'S FIGURE OUT HOW YOU CAN HANDLE IT."

Help her organize her thoughts.

Help her separate emotion from the actual question.

Help her practice what she's going to say.

Help her understand how to listen to an answer she may not like.

Then let her try.

If she needs you later, you're still there.

But every time she successfully handles an uncomfortable conversation herself, you're helping build something much bigger than a volleyball player.

You're developing a young person who can advocate for herself.

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# YOUR FAMILY CHALLENGE

The next time your athlete has a question for her coach, use this four-step process.

1. DEFINE THE QUESTION

What does she actually want to understand?

Not:

**"Coach is unfair."**

Instead:

**"I want to understand what I need to improve."**

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2. BUILD THE QUESTION

Help her turn frustration into respectful communication.

Try:

**"Coach, could you help me understand what I need to improve in order to compete for more opportunities?"**

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3. PRACTICE THE CONVERSATION

Role-play it once.

Let her hear herself say the words.

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4. LET HER ASK

Then step back.

Give her the opportunity to own the conversation.

Afterward, don't immediately judge the answer.

Ask:

"WHAT DID YOU LEARN?"

That's the real purpose.

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# KEY TAKEAWAYS

• Communication with coaches is a skill athletes can learn.
• Don't automatically become your athlete's spokesperson.
• Simply telling a young athlete to "talk to your coach" may not be enough—teach her how.
• Help athletes turn emotional complaints into productive questions.
• Encourage athletes to seek feedback rather than demand outcomes.
• Coach conversations should focus on understanding, not proving someone wrong.
• Keep discussions focused on your athlete instead of comparing her to teammates.
• Role-playing can make difficult conversations easier.
• Athletes must learn to listen to feedback as well as ask questions.
• Self-advocacy does not guarantee the answer an athlete wants.
• Avoid immediately invalidating coach feedback at home.
• Self-advocacy and entitlement are very different.
• Responsibility for communication should gradually transfer from parent to athlete as she matures.
• Parents may appropriately become involved when athlete-led communication hasn't resolved an issue.
• Serious safety or misconduct concerns require appropriate adult involvement.
• Communication shouldn't happen only when there's a problem.
• Every successful difficult conversation helps build confidence and independence.

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SOMEDAY YOU WON'T BE THERE TO HAVE THE CONVERSATION FOR HER

Someday your athlete will have a professor she disagrees with.

A boss who gives difficult feedback.

A coworker she has conflict with.

A situation where she needs to ask for help.

She'll need to organize her thoughts.

Control her emotions.

Ask good questions.

Listen carefully.

Speak respectfully.

And advocate for herself.

Volleyball can help teach her how.

So the next time she comes home saying:

**"I need to talk to my coach..."**

don't automatically reach for your phone.

Help her find her voice.

Then give her the opportunity to use it.