Let Them Struggle: Why Parents Shouldn’t Solve Every Volleyball Problem

# Let Them Struggle: Why Parents Shouldn’t Solve Every Volleyball Problem

Your daughter gets in the car after practice.

She's upset.

Maybe she didn't play much at the tournament.

Maybe another player moved ahead of her.

Maybe the coach corrected her in front of the team.

Maybe she's struggling with a skill.

Maybe she doesn't understand her role.

Maybe she's having a problem with a teammate.

And as a parent, your instinct kicks in:

FIX IT.

Call the coach.

Send the email.

Talk to the club director.

Find another trainer.

Explain why the coach is wrong.

Make the problem disappear.

That instinct comes from a good place.

You love your child.

You don't want to watch her hurt.

But one of the hardest lessons in sports parenting is also one of the most important:

NOT EVERY STRUGGLE NEEDS TO BE REMOVED.

Sometimes the struggle is where the development is happening.

---

# YOUR JOB ISN'T TO MAKE VOLLEYBALL PAINLESS

Sports are going to create uncomfortable moments.

Your athlete will eventually:

• Make mistakes
• Lose matches
• Sit on the bench
• Get corrected
• Lose a starting position
• Have conflict with teammates
• Struggle with confidence
• Fail at something she worked hard to accomplish
• Watch someone else receive an opportunity she wanted

You cannot create a meaningful competitive experience while removing every uncomfortable moment from it.

Competition guarantees that things won't always go the way your athlete wants.

And that's okay.

Because volleyball isn't only teaching her how to play volleyball.

It's teaching her how to respond when life doesn't go the way she hoped.

---

# THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SUPPORTING AND SOLVING

Parents absolutely should support their children.

The question is:

What does support look like?

Sometimes support means:

**Listening.**

Sometimes:

**Encouraging.**

Sometimes:

**Helping her think through options.**

Sometimes:

**Giving perspective.**

And sometimes:

**Doing absolutely nothing yet.**

Support doesn't always require intervention.

Your athlete may need you beside her without needing you in front of her.

---

# BEFORE YOU FIX IT, ASK A QUESTION

When your athlete brings you a problem, resist the urge to immediately provide the solution.

Instead ask:

"What do you think you should do?"

That simple question changes the conversation.

Instead of teaching:

**Problem → Parent fixes it**

you begin teaching:

**Problem → Think → Respond**

That's independence.

---

# LET HER THINK

Suppose your daughter says:

**"I don't know why I'm not playing."**

The easiest response might be:

**"I'll talk to the coach."**

Instead, try:

**"Have you asked your coach what you need to improve?"**

Now the responsibility begins moving toward the athlete.

She may say:

**"No."**

Then you have an opportunity to teach her how to have that conversation.

That's very different from having it for her.

---

# COACH HER THROUGH THE CONVERSATION—NOT AROUND IT

A young athlete may genuinely not know what to say to a coach.

That's understandable.

You can help.

Practice with her.

She might say:

**"Coach, can you help me understand what I need to improve to earn more opportunities?"**

That's respectful.

That's productive.

That's a life skill.

You're still helping your child.

But instead of solving the problem:

YOU'RE TEACHING HER HOW TO SOLVE PROBLEMS.

That's a much more valuable gift.

---

# START SMALL

Independence doesn't suddenly appear when an athlete turns 16.

It develops through small responsibilities.

A young athlete can begin learning to:

• Pack her own volleyball bag
• Fill her water bottle
• Know her uniform schedule
• Carry her own equipment
• Listen to team announcements
• Understand practice expectations
• Communicate appropriately
• Ask questions
• Take responsibility for mistakes

Will she forget something occasionally?

Probably.

That's part of learning.

---

# THE FORGOTTEN KNEE PADS PROBLEM

Imagine your athlete forgets her knee pads.

You notice before leaving home.

What happens?

Many parents immediately grab them.

Problem solved.

But imagine instead that the athlete is responsible for checking her bag before leaving.

Eventually she forgets something.

She experiences the inconvenience.

And next time:

She remembers.

Small consequences can teach responsibility far more effectively than constant reminders.

Obviously parents should use judgment based on age and circumstances.

But if we prevent every small mistake, we may also prevent the lesson attached to it.

---

# STRUGGLE BUILDS CONFIDENCE DIFFERENTLY THAN PRAISE

We already know confidence isn't simply created by repeatedly telling an athlete:

**"You're amazing."**

Real confidence often comes from evidence.

An athlete thinks:

**"That was difficult."**

Then:

**"I figured it out."**

Then:

**"Maybe I can handle difficult things."**

That's powerful.

But the athlete can't experience:

"I figured it out"

if someone else always figures it out for her.

---

# DON'T STEAL THE COMEBACK

Your athlete has a terrible match.

She's embarrassed.

She's frustrated.

Maybe she even cries.

Your instinct may be to immediately make her feel better.

But disappointment isn't always something that needs to disappear immediately.

Let her process it.

Then let her come back.

Let her practice again.

Let her compete again.

Let her discover:

"One bad day didn't destroy me."

That lesson matters far beyond volleyball.

---

# FAILURE IS INFORMATION

A mistake tells us something.

A difficult tournament tells us something.

Losing a position tells us something.

Getting cut tells us something.

The productive question isn't always:

"How do we make sure this never happens again?"

Sometimes it's:

"What is this trying to teach us?"

Maybe the answer is:

• Improve ball control
• Communicate better
• Compete harder
• Prepare differently
• Become more consistent
• Handle pressure better
• Ask better questions
• Accept coaching
• Become a better teammate

Failure can become information.

But only if we allow the athlete to examine it.

---

# DON'T IMMEDIATELY CREATE A VILLAIN

This is especially important when your child is hurting.

She comes home and says:

**"Coach doesn't like me."**

A parent may immediately respond:

**"I knew it. That coach has been unfair to you all season."**

Now the athlete has an explanation:

THE COACH IS THE PROBLEM.

Maybe there really is a coaching issue.

But you don't know that yet.

Ask questions first.

**"What happened?"**

**"What did the coach say?"**

**"What happened before that?"**

**"What do you think the coach wanted from you?"**

**"Have you talked with the coach?"**

Help your athlete understand the situation before deciding who is responsible.

---

# DON'T TURN EVERY CORRECTION INTO CRITICISM

A coach saying:

**"Your platform is late."**

isn't necessarily saying:

**"You're a bad volleyball player."**

A coach saying:

**"You need to communicate more."**

isn't necessarily attacking your daughter's personality.

Correction is part of coaching.

Athletes need to learn how to separate:

"I need to improve something"

from:

"Something is wrong with me."

Parents can help reinforce that distinction.

---

# ACCOUNTABILITY ISN'T THE ENEMY

Sometimes the coach is right.

Your athlete wasn't prepared.

She didn't communicate.

She wasn't competing.

She didn't follow instructions.

She had poor body language.

She wasn't being a good teammate.

Your child doesn't need you to defend every mistake.

Sometimes she needs you to say:

"It sounds like your coach is asking you to be better. What are you going to do about it?"

That's support too.

---

# DON'T MAKE EXCUSES FOR YOUR ATHLETE

It's easy to explain away problems.

**"The setter never gives you the ball."**

**"The coach only plays favorites."**

**"Your teammates aren't good enough."**

**"The referee cost you the match."**

**"You would have played better if..."**

Maybe some of those things contain truth.

But constantly creating external explanations can teach an athlete that every problem belongs to someone else.

A more useful question is:

"What part of this can you control?"

That's where growth lives.

---

# PARENTS CAN ACCIDENTALLY CREATE DEPENDENCE

If every difficult situation leads to:

**Mom calls the coach.**

**Dad emails the director.**

**Parent fixes the schedule.**

**Parent handles the conflict.**

**Parent explains the mistake.**

the athlete can begin learning:

"When something goes wrong, an adult handles it."

Then we expect that same athlete to become independent at 17.

Independence doesn't work that way.

It needs practice too.

---

# VOLLEYBALL IS A SAFE PLACE TO PRACTICE HARD THINGS

Think about what sports can teach.

An athlete can practice:

• Responsibility
• Communication
• Conflict resolution
• Resilience
• Accountability
• Leadership
• Emotional control
• Problem-solving
• Self-advocacy

Those are life skills.

Volleyball gives young people opportunities to practice them while adults are still nearby to guide them.

That's incredibly valuable.

But only if adults allow athletes to practice.

---

# THERE ARE TIMES WHEN PARENTS SHOULD STEP IN

Letting athletes struggle does **not** mean parents should ignore serious concerns.

There are situations where adult intervention is appropriate.

Examples can include concerns involving:

• Athlete safety
• Abuse
• Harassment
• Bullying
• Inappropriate adult behavior
• Serious health concerns
• Retaliation
• Significant violations of club policy
• Situations beyond the athlete's age or ability to reasonably handle

SIDELINE is not suggesting parents disappear.

Parents are still parents.

The goal is not:

NEVER INTERVENE.

The goal is:

DON'T INTERVENE SIMPLY BECAUSE YOUR CHILD IS UNCOMFORTABLE.

Those are very different standards.

---

# ASK: "IS THIS DANGEROUS OR IS THIS DIFFICULT?"

This can be a useful filter.

If something appears:

DANGEROUS, ABUSIVE, OR SERIOUSLY INAPPROPRIATE

adult involvement may be necessary.

If something is:

DIFFICULT, DISAPPOINTING, OR UNCOMFORTABLE

the athlete may need an opportunity to work through it.

Not every difficult experience is harmful.

Some difficult experiences are developmental.

---

# AGE MATTERS

A 10-year-old and a 17-year-old should not be expected to handle every situation the same way.

Younger athletes may need more:

• Guidance
• Coaching
• Preparation
• Parent involvement

As athletes mature, responsibility should gradually transfer.

Think of it like a progression:

PARENT DOES IT

then

PARENT AND ATHLETE DO IT TOGETHER

then

PARENT HELPS ATHLETE PREPARE

then

ATHLETE DOES IT

then

ATHLETE HANDLES IT INDEPENDENTLY

That's development.

---

# THE GOAL ISN'T TO REMOVE YOURSELF

Your athlete still needs you.

She needs someone who loves her regardless of:

• Playing time
• Team placement
• Statistics
• Recruiting
• Awards
• Wins
• Losses

She needs somewhere safe to land.

But being a safe place doesn't mean eliminating every storm.

Sometimes it means standing beside her while she learns how to walk through one.

---

# FROM THE SIDELINE

I've coached athletes for decades.

And I've watched parents struggle with this because I understand where it comes from.

When you love a child, watching them hurt is difficult.

You want to protect them.

But sports provide something incredibly valuable:

LOW-STAKES OPPORTUNITIES TO LEARN HIGH-VALUE LIFE LESSONS.

A lost starting position feels enormous to a teenager.

Someday she may face losing a job.

A difficult conversation with a coach feels intimidating.

Someday she may need to have a difficult conversation with a boss.

A teammate conflict feels overwhelming.

Someday she may have conflict with a coworker.

A terrible tournament feels devastating.

Someday something much bigger won't go according to plan.

We aren't preparing young people for a life without adversity.

That life doesn't exist.

We're helping prepare them to respond when adversity arrives.

Sometimes the best thing we can do is resist the urge to remove the lesson before they have the opportunity to learn it.

---

# COACH MIKE DZ'S ADVICE

When your athlete comes to you with a volleyball problem, don't immediately ask:

"How can I fix this?"

Try asking:

"Does she need me to fix this—or does she need me to help her learn how to handle it?"

Those are very different jobs.

Listen.

Ask questions.

Help her think.

Give perspective.

Prepare her for difficult conversations.

Support her when she's disappointed.

And when appropriate:

Let her handle it.

Because someday you won't be standing beside every problem she encounters.

The goal isn't to raise an athlete who never struggles.

THE GOAL IS TO HELP DEVELOP A YOUNG PERSON WHO KNOWS WHAT TO DO WHEN SHE DOES.

---

# YOUR FAMILY CHALLENGE

The next time your athlete brings you a volleyball problem, don't immediately offer a solution.

Ask these four questions:

1. WHAT HAPPENED?

Let her explain.

2. HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT IT?

Let her process.

3. WHAT PART OF THIS CAN YOU CONTROL?

Move toward accountability.

4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU SHOULD DO NEXT?

Move toward independence.

Then ask yourself one final question:

"DOES SHE NEED ME TO TAKE OVER—OR DOES SHE NEED ME TO STAND BESIDE HER?"

Sometimes parenting means stepping in.

Sometimes parenting means stepping back.

Knowing the difference is part of our development too.

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# KEY TAKEAWAYS

• Not every volleyball struggle needs to be removed.
• Supporting an athlete and solving every problem for her are different things.
• Ask athletes what they think they should do before providing the answer.
• Parents can prepare athletes for difficult conversations without having those conversations for them.
• Independence develops through small responsibilities.
• Natural consequences can teach responsibility.
• Struggle can create genuine confidence because athletes learn they can handle difficult situations.
• Don't immediately create villains when your athlete is upset.
• Coaching corrections are not automatically personal criticism.
• Supporting your athlete sometimes means reinforcing accountability.
• Constant excuses can teach athletes that problems always belong to someone else.
• Volleyball provides opportunities to practice communication, resilience, responsibility and problem-solving.
• Parents should intervene when legitimate safety or serious welfare concerns exist.
• Difficult and dangerous are not the same thing.
• Responsibility should gradually transfer from parent to athlete as the athlete matures.
• Your athlete still needs your unconditional support even as you give her greater ownership.
• The goal isn't to eliminate struggle. It's to help develop someone capable of responding to it.

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FROM PROTECTING THEM TO PREPARING THEM

There will always be another problem.

Another disappointment.

Another difficult conversation.

Another moment when things don't go according to plan.

You cannot remove all of them.

And you shouldn't try.

Instead of preparing the road for your athlete:

HELP PREPARE YOUR ATHLETE FOR THE ROAD.

Listen.

Guide.

Teach.

Support.

And sometimes...

**let her struggle long enough to discover that she can handle more than she thought.**