Don’t Let Volleyball Become Your Relationship With Your Child

# Don’t Let Volleyball Become Your Relationship With Your Child

It can happen without anyone noticing.

Your daughter starts playing volleyball.

At first, it's just something she enjoys.

Then comes club volleyball.

Practices.

Tournaments.

Private lessons.

Travel.

Tryouts.

Team placement.

Playing time.

Recruiting.

Suddenly volleyball isn't just something your child does.

IT'S WHAT YOUR FAMILY TALKS ABOUT.

On the drive to practice.

On the drive home.

At dinner.

In the hotel.

After tournaments.

Before tournaments.

During the week.

You talk about her serve.

Her passing.

Her coach.

Her team.

Her playing time.

Her recruiting.

Her attitude.

Her performance.

And somewhere along the way, something important can quietly happen:

VOLLEYBALL CAN BEGIN REPLACING THE RELATIONSHIP YOU USED TO HAVE WITH YOUR CHILD.

Not because you stopped loving her.

Because you became so invested in helping her succeed that volleyball slowly became the language of the relationship.

That's something every sports parent should occasionally examine.

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# THINK ABOUT YOUR LAST TEN CONVERSATIONS

Here's a simple exercise.

Think about the last ten meaningful conversations you had with your athlete.

How many were about:

• Volleyball?
• Practice?
• Playing time?
• Her coach?
• Recruiting?
• Training?
• Her team?
• What she needs to improve?

Now ask yourself:

WHAT ELSE DID WE TALK ABOUT?

Friends?

School?

Music?

Something funny?

Her dreams?

Something she's worried about that has nothing to do with sports?

Nothing at all?

Your child is a volleyball player.

But she's also much more than that.

Make sure your conversations tell her that.

---

# PERFORMANCE CAN QUIETLY BECOME THE CENTER OF ATTENTION

Tournament weekends make this especially easy.

Your athlete plays great.

The car ride home is exciting.

Everyone talks about:

**"That huge kill!"**

**"That dig was incredible!"**

**"You played so well!"**

Next tournament she struggles.

Now the ride home feels completely different.

Questions.

Analysis.

Corrections.

Concern.

Silence.

Athletes notice these differences.

And eventually a child can begin wondering:

"DO MOM AND DAD ENJOY BEING AROUND ME MORE WHEN I PLAY WELL?"

You may know the answer is absolutely not.

Make sure she knows it too.

---

# YOUR LOVE SHOULD NEVER FEEL CONNECTED TO THE STAT SHEET

Parents don't usually say:

**"I love you more when you play well."**

Of course not.

But children don't only hear words.

They experience reactions.

They notice:

• Your excitement
• Your frustration
• Your silence
• Your body language
• Your questions
• Your mood after matches

If the entire emotional temperature of the family changes based on how the athlete performed, volleyball begins carrying more weight than it should.

Your athlete should know:

MY PERFORMANCE CAN CHANGE.

MY PARENT'S LOVE DOESN'T.

---

# SHE ALREADY KNOWS WHEN SHE PLAYED BADLY

This is something parents sometimes forget.

Your daughter shanked three balls.

Missed two serves.

Got blocked.

Was taken out of the lineup.

She knows.

You probably don't need to explain it immediately.

She lived it.

The question isn't whether she understands that she struggled.

The question is:

WHAT DOES SHE NEED FROM YOU NOW?

Sometimes she wants feedback.

Sometimes she wants encouragement.

Sometimes she wants food.

Sometimes she wants music in the car and absolutely no volleyball conversation whatsoever.

Learn the difference.

---

# ASK BEFORE YOU ANALYZE

If you have volleyball knowledge, this can be especially difficult.

You saw something.

You know what she could have done differently.

Before launching into:

**"On that rotation..."**

ask:

"Do you want to talk volleyball right now?"

She might say yes.

Great.

She might say no.

That's okay too.

Respecting that answer tells your athlete:

"YOU GET TO HAVE SOME OWNERSHIP OF THIS EXPERIENCE."

---

# NOT EVERY CAR RIDE NEEDS A FILM SESSION

The tournament ends.

You have two hours in the car.

That doesn't mean you have a two-hour coaching clinic.

There is a time for reflection.

There is a time for teaching.

There is also a time to:

• Get something to eat
• Laugh
• Listen to music
• Talk about something else
• Let everyone decompress

Sometimes the healthiest volleyball conversation is no volleyball conversation at all.

---

# YOUR CHILD NEEDS A PLACE WHERE SHE ISN'T BEING EVALUATED

Think about the athlete's environment.

At practice, coaches evaluate her.

At tournaments, coaches evaluate her.

During tryouts, evaluators evaluate her.

Scouts may evaluate her.

College coaches may evaluate her.

Other players compare themselves to her.

She may constantly evaluate herself.

Home should not feel like another evaluation station.

Parents can provide something sports cannot:

A PLACE WHERE THE ATHLETE DOESN'T HAVE TO EARN HER VALUE.

That matters.

---

# BE INTERESTED IN THE PERSON BEHIND THE JERSEY

Ask questions that have nothing to do with volleyball.

**"How are your friends?"**

**"What's happening at school?"**

**"What are you excited about?"**

**"What's stressing you out?"**

**"What are you listening to lately?"**

**"What do you want to do this weekend?"**

And sometimes:

**"Want to go get ice cream?"**

No volleyball agenda.

No development objective.

No lesson.

Just your child.

---

# DON'T LET RECRUITING TAKE OVER EVERYTHING

As athletes get older, recruiting can consume families.

Every tournament becomes:

**"Who was watching?"**

Every email becomes:

**"Did they respond?"**

Every camp becomes:

**"Did the coach talk to you?"**

Every teammate commitment becomes:

**"What about you?"**

The athlete can begin feeling like she's constantly interviewing for her future.

Parents should help manage the recruiting process.

But recruiting cannot become the only lens through which the family experiences volleyball.

Your athlete deserves to enjoy being an athlete while she's still one.

---

# DON'T MAKE EVERY SACRIFICE SOMETHING SHE HAS TO REPAY

Club volleyball asks a lot from families.

Parents spend:

• Money
• Weekends
• Vacation days
• Gas
• Flights
• Hotels
• Meals
• Hours sitting in gyms

Those sacrifices are real.

But be careful with statements such as:

**"After everything we've done for you..."**

Your athlete shouldn't feel like every tournament performance is repayment on a family investment.

You chose to support her opportunity.

Let that support be a gift.

---

# THE FAMILY CALENDAR CAN BECOME THE VOLLEYBALL CALENDAR

This happens quickly.

Tournament.

Practice.

Lesson.

Camp.

Clinic.

Qualifier.

More practice.

Soon every weekend belongs to volleyball.

When possible, protect some family space.

Birthdays.

Dinner.

Vacations.

Traditions.

Time with siblings.

Time where nobody is carrying a backpack into a convention center.

Competitive sports require sacrifice.

But your family existed before volleyball.

Protect pieces of it.

---

# REMEMBER THE SIBLINGS

Competitive sports can consume enormous amounts of family attention.

One child has a tournament.

Everyone travels.

One child has recruiting.

Everyone talks about it.

One child has practice.

The family schedule revolves around it.

Meanwhile, siblings are living their lives too.

Make sure volleyball doesn't unintentionally communicate:

"HER ACTIVITY IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THIS FAMILY."

Every child deserves attention.

---

# DON'T BECOME HER FULL-TIME MANAGER

As athletes get older, parents can become:

• Scheduler
• Equipment manager
• Recruiting coordinator
• Transportation department
• Nutrition monitor
• Private lesson coordinator
• Video editor
• Email reminder system

Some support is obviously necessary.

But gradually give responsibility back to the athlete.

Let her manage appropriate parts of her journey.

Otherwise the relationship can begin feeling more like:

MANAGER AND CLIENT

than:

PARENT AND CHILD.

---

# YOU ARE ALLOWED TO HAVE YOUR OWN LIFE TOO

Sports parents can become consumed by the journey.

Your weekends revolve around volleyball.

Your friends become volleyball parents.

Your social media becomes volleyball.

Your conversations become volleyball.

Your identity becomes:

"MY DAUGHTER PLAYS VOLLEYBALL."

Support her.

Enjoy it.

Be proud.

But maintain your own interests, friendships and identity too.

It can actually make it easier to give your athlete ownership of hers.

---

# BE CAREFUL WHEN HER GOALS CHANGE

Maybe your daughter once said:

**"I want to play Division I volleyball."**

You embraced the dream.

You researched schools.

You found training.

You traveled.

Years later she says:

**"I'm not sure I want that anymore."**

That can be difficult for a parent who has emotionally invested in the original dream.

Remember:

IT WAS ALWAYS HER DREAM.

She is allowed to change it.

Our job isn't to make children fulfill the future we became attached to.

---

# CELEBRATE WHO SHE IS BECOMING

Instead of only celebrating:

• Kills
• Aces
• Starting
• Team placement
• Rankings
• Offers
• Championships

notice:

**"I saw you encourage your teammate after she made that mistake."**

**"I liked how you handled getting taken out."**

**"You communicated really well today."**

**"You worked through a difficult weekend."**

Now volleyball becomes a place where you notice the development of the person.

Not simply the production of the player.

---

# THERE WILL BE A LAST MATCH

Nobody knows exactly when it will happen.

For some athletes:

Middle school.

For others:

High school.

College.

Maybe beyond.

But eventually there will be a final serve.

A final practice.

A final tournament.

A final time she puts on the jersey.

And when that happens, you will still be her parent.

That relationship has to survive volleyball.

---

# WHAT WILL SHE REMEMBER?

Years from now, your athlete probably won't remember every score.

She won't remember every pool.

Every bracket.

Every passing rating.

Every lineup.

But she may remember:

The hotel breakfasts.

The road trips.

The laughs.

The teammates.

The hugs.

The conversations.

How you reacted when she struggled.

Whether she felt safe telling you the truth.

Whether volleyball brought you closer together...

or made her feel constantly evaluated.

Parents help create those memories too.

---

# FROM THE SIDELINE

I've spent a huge part of my life in volleyball.

I've coached athletes for decades.

I've watched players grow from children into adults.

And one thing becomes increasingly clear the longer you're around youth sports:

THE VOLLEYBALL PART GOES BY INCREDIBLY FAST.

When you're in the middle of it, everything feels enormous.

Playing time feels enormous.

Tryouts feel enormous.

Qualifiers feel enormous.

Recruiting feels enormous.

Then the years pass.

The uniforms disappear.

The tournaments end.

And what remains is the person.

That's why I believe volleyball should strengthen relationships—not consume them.

Your athlete should know you're interested in who she's becoming.

Not just how she's performing.

---

# COACH MIKE DZ'S ADVICE

Every once in a while, ask yourself:

"IF VOLLEYBALL DISAPPEARED TOMORROW, WHAT WOULD MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY CHILD LOOK LIKE?"

Would you know what else she loves?

Would you know what she's afraid of?

What makes her laugh?

What she's thinking about?

What she wants for her life?

Could you spend an entire day together without discussing volleyball?

If that question makes you uncomfortable, don't feel guilty.

Just make room again.

You don't have to care less about volleyball.

YOU JUST HAVE TO MAKE SURE YOU CARE MORE ABOUT THE PERSON PLAYING IT.

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# YOUR FAMILY CHALLENGE

This week, create:

ONE VOLLEYBALL-FREE WINDOW.

Maybe it's:

• Dinner
• A car ride
• An evening
• Sunday morning
• A family outing

For that period:

No recruiting.

No playing time.

No coach discussion.

No technical corrections.

No tournament analysis.

Instead, reconnect with the person.

Then try one more thing.

At some point this week, tell your athlete something you're proud of about her that has absolutely nothing to do with volleyball.

Not:

**"You're such a hard worker at practice."**

Something about **her**.

Her kindness.

Humor.

Character.

Creativity.

Courage.

Compassion.

Whatever is true.

Remind her:

SHE IS MORE THAN THE PLAYER YOU WATCH FROM THE STANDS.

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# KEY TAKEAWAYS

• Volleyball can slowly become the primary language of the parent-athlete relationship.
• Pay attention to how many family conversations revolve around the sport.
• Athletes should never feel that parental warmth depends on how well they perform.
• Your athlete usually already knows when she had a poor performance.
• Ask whether she wants volleyball feedback before automatically providing it.
• Not every drive home needs to become a coaching session.
• Home should provide a place where athletes don't constantly feel evaluated.
• Stay interested in the person behind the athlete.
• Recruiting should not consume every volleyball conversation.
• Family financial sacrifices should never become debts the athlete feels required to repay through performance.
• Protect family experiences outside volleyball when possible.
• Remember siblings whose lives may also be affected by the sports schedule.
• Gradually allow athletes to manage appropriate parts of their own journey.
• Parents should maintain identities and interests outside their child's sport too.
• An athlete is allowed to change her goals.
• Celebrate character development as much as athletic accomplishment.
• Every athlete eventually plays a final match.
• The parent-child relationship should remain long after volleyball ends.
• The ultimate goal isn't simply raising a successful volleyball player. It's maintaining a healthy relationship with the young person wearing the jersey.

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VOLLEYBALL IS SOMETHING SHE DOES. IT ISN'T WHO SHE IS.

Love the tournaments.

Cheer loudly.

Take the pictures.

Travel.

Celebrate.

Enjoy every part of this incredible journey.

But every once in a while, put the volleyball away.

Look at your child.

Not the outside hitter.

Not the libero.

Not the recruit.

Not the starter.

Not the athlete.

YOUR CHILD.

Because long after the last whistle...

long after the final tournament...

long after the jersey is packed away...

she won't need another volleyball coach.

SHE'LL STILL NEED HER PARENT.